Reclaiming What Is Mine

The following is a story I have not shared with many people. However, by finally sharing it, I am releasing the last vestiges of shame, confusion, guilt, and anger that I harbored towards my offender. [Parental guidance is advised.]



It is my intention, should you identify with my story, that you find strength in sharing your own.

I have a memory.

It comes in flashes.

And the flashes are always the same.

I am three years old.

I am three years old, and I am performing a sexual act.

I am three years old, and I am performing a sexual act on someone I know.

I am three years old, and I am performing a sexual act on someone I know who should have known not to take advantage of me.

I am three years old, and I am performing a sexual act on someone I know who should have known not to take advantage of me and should have protected me.

I continued to be asked to perform these acts... until I was five.

I have another memory.

It is of my preschool.

It is naptime.

There is a little boy.

He is touching me where he should not.

I am just a little girl, and I am too young to feel shame or guilt.

I am too young!

These acts opened a door to a world I was not prepared to experience.

These acts opened a door for other people to enter and take from me what was not theirs to have.

These acts would lay the foundation for how I would sexually express myself in the years that followed.

I was raised in a family where we did not share our troubles.

I was raised in a family where I was told to get over things.

I was raised in a family where I was told to deal with it.

I was raised in a family where I was told to act my age and grow up.

How ironic to be told to act my age when my experiences had already aged me well beyond them.

I was also raised in a family where I was told to never air my dirty laundry in public.

So, I kept silent.

And I grew resentful.

When I was forty-two, I confronted my offender... from my first memory.

I confronted my offender, and I shared my disdain.

I confronted my offender, and I shared my discomfort.

I confronted my offender, and I shared my anger.

And in one fell swoop, that memory was explained away... as if what I had recalled was untrue.

I was told that I was missing pieces; A LOT of them actually.

I was told that my offender was not to blame for my feelings.

I was told that there was others involved.

Sooo.... why don't I remember them?

I was told a tale... a tall one... that did not resonate.

I was told a lie just so my offender could feel better.

Then the shame crept back in.

I was ashamed for accusing this person.

How could I have gotten it so wrong?

"I'm sorry. I didn't remember that happening."

Yet, through the lie, something still was not right.

I tried to take the high road.

I tried to believe what I had been told.

I tried to like this person.

Until the time came when I stopped trying, so...

I distanced myself from it all to protect that little girl.

I distanced myself from it all to protect that little girl whose innocence had been taken.

I distanced myself from it all to protect that little girl who still felt guilty, confused, angry, and ashamed.

I distanced myself from it all to protect that little girl from feeling the pain.

BUT...

The pain relented because I was fighting it.

SO...

I stopped fighting and acknowledged the shame.

I stopped fighting and acknowledged the guilt.

I stopped fighting and acknowledged the confusion.

I stopped fighting and acknowledged the anger.

I stopped fighting and acknowledged the silence.

THEN...

I reclaimed what was mine!

I reclaimed my innocence when I allowed myself to feel forgiveness towards my offender (and the other people in my life whom I felt should have protected me)!

I reclaimed my power when I lifted my head out of the sand!

AND...

I reclaimed my voice when I decided to speak out!

This sharing is for anyone who has been afraid to speak up out of guilt, shame, and/or confusion. I encourage you to step into your power by telling your story, and be an inspiration for others to do the same!  #NoMoreSecrets

=> If you would like to speak to someone about your situation, please contact Darkness to Light at (866) 367-5444. <=

ABOUT DARKNESS TO LIGHT

D2L provides for individuals living in the United States who need local information and resources about sexual abuse. Any individual, child or adult who needs resources about sexual abuse can call the Helpline.

All calls are confidential and will be answered by a trained information and referral service representative. Helpline availability varies according to state and call center.