Finding My Piece In This World
Have you ever felt as if where you were was not where you belonged? I have!
I have often felt that I did not belong with my family. I was always the one who did things "differently", which made me very much the black sheep. Pun intended.
Whenever I was with them... I always wanted to be elsewhere.
Certain experiences left me jaded, and they only intensified my feelings of not belonging.
I was often told to be a certain way, and I always felt boxed in... like Baby in Dirty Dancing when her parents tried to keep her in a corner.
Oftentimes, I would feel invisible, and I would do things (even to my detriment) just to get attention.
I felt alone and isolated... even though, I had been a cheerleader, a flutist in a huge top nationally ranked band in Texas, ran track & field, and was voted class clown during my senior year of high school.
I was a square peg trying to fit into a round world.
At 18, I joined the military. But not out of duty.
I did so because the military had been all that I had known up to that point (an Army brat since I was 4), and I was no longer welcomed at home.
The military had become my safety net; my crutch.
During my service, I drank A LOT. My memories of those years were either fuzzy or non-existent.
I gave my cookie away to undeserving lovers. Many of their names I cannot recall.
Yet through it all, I struggled most with the rigidity of being a soldier; forced to conform when I was a non-conformist.
On February 9, 1991, I left active duty to tend to my dying mother. And I did so out of duty and obligation.
Having to leave the military left me bitter, angry and terrified!
Not only was my mother dying, I was now being forced to live in a world I did not know how to navigate... civilian life.
I did not have time to adjust because on February 20, 1992, my mother transitioned at the age of 49.
From that day until last year, I would watch my world shatter into a gazillion pieces again and again and again.
Although, I wasn't close to my mother, her absence impacted my life in unexpected ways.
I found myself moving through my life being there... yet not being present. Escaping either through more drink, a brief stint with coke, and more dissatisfying sexual encounters.
I wore masks in my attempts to fit in and be accepted in a world I did not much like.
The discord and false security of my escapism eventually became too much for me to bear.
I was forced to tear down what remained and rebuild.
I began rebuilding by taking a good long look at myself.
It was hard to look deeply into the trenches I had kept buried for too long.
It was hard peering into the shadow and coming face-to-face with what lurked below the surface; those pieces of myself that I had been denying out of shame and guilt.
Slowly, I began to accept the many facets of who I was.
I began to see, through little windows of opportunity (aka emotional triggers), the juiciness that my life could be when I stopped living my life according to the rules and wants of other people.
I learned that it was okay for me to stand fully in my power!
That it was okay to be the black sheep of the family and no longer feel like an oddball! I also learned that I did not require nor desire a relationship with them. In releasing myself from their constrictive ways, I am able to finally live a life of authenticity... and transparency.
My badass pink frohawk and carefree mindset is proof that I no longer require anyone's permission to be fully free!
I may be the product of my oft-time twisted upbringing and societal teachings... however, I choose to be a redesigned version of my original blueprint!
Where I am is exactly where I need to be, and when I trust the process, all is well!
I have often felt that I did not belong with my family. I was always the one who did things "differently", which made me very much the black sheep. Pun intended.
Whenever I was with them... I always wanted to be elsewhere.
Certain experiences left me jaded, and they only intensified my feelings of not belonging.
I was often told to be a certain way, and I always felt boxed in... like Baby in Dirty Dancing when her parents tried to keep her in a corner.
Oftentimes, I would feel invisible, and I would do things (even to my detriment) just to get attention.
I felt alone and isolated... even though, I had been a cheerleader, a flutist in a huge top nationally ranked band in Texas, ran track & field, and was voted class clown during my senior year of high school.
I was a square peg trying to fit into a round world.
At 18, I joined the military. But not out of duty.
I did so because the military had been all that I had known up to that point (an Army brat since I was 4), and I was no longer welcomed at home.
The military had become my safety net; my crutch.
During my service, I drank A LOT. My memories of those years were either fuzzy or non-existent.
I gave my cookie away to undeserving lovers. Many of their names I cannot recall.
Yet through it all, I struggled most with the rigidity of being a soldier; forced to conform when I was a non-conformist.
On February 9, 1991, I left active duty to tend to my dying mother. And I did so out of duty and obligation.
Having to leave the military left me bitter, angry and terrified!
Not only was my mother dying, I was now being forced to live in a world I did not know how to navigate... civilian life.
I did not have time to adjust because on February 20, 1992, my mother transitioned at the age of 49.
From that day until last year, I would watch my world shatter into a gazillion pieces again and again and again.
Although, I wasn't close to my mother, her absence impacted my life in unexpected ways.
I found myself moving through my life being there... yet not being present. Escaping either through more drink, a brief stint with coke, and more dissatisfying sexual encounters.
I wore masks in my attempts to fit in and be accepted in a world I did not much like.
The discord and false security of my escapism eventually became too much for me to bear.
I was forced to tear down what remained and rebuild.
I began rebuilding by taking a good long look at myself.
It was hard to look deeply into the trenches I had kept buried for too long.
It was hard peering into the shadow and coming face-to-face with what lurked below the surface; those pieces of myself that I had been denying out of shame and guilt.
Slowly, I began to accept the many facets of who I was.
I began to see, through little windows of opportunity (aka emotional triggers), the juiciness that my life could be when I stopped living my life according to the rules and wants of other people.
I learned that it was okay for me to stand fully in my power!
That it was okay to be the black sheep of the family and no longer feel like an oddball! I also learned that I did not require nor desire a relationship with them. In releasing myself from their constrictive ways, I am able to finally live a life of authenticity... and transparency.
My badass pink frohawk and carefree mindset is proof that I no longer require anyone's permission to be fully free!
I may be the product of my oft-time twisted upbringing and societal teachings... however, I choose to be a redesigned version of my original blueprint!
activated Life Lesson
Where I am is exactly where I need to be, and when I trust the process, all is well!