24 Years
The last time I looked upon your face, you were taking the last of the breaths your lungs would hold.
Scotty was about to beam you up... then you exited this physical plane... without a word.
No goodbye.
As a medically trained professional, I was there.
Waiting to call it.
Waiting to announce your departure to the world.
Here I was a 24-year old woman-child... about to check your vitals for the umpteenth time.
Although, we were never close as a mother and daughter "should" be, you knew I would be the one who would be there in the end.
You knew I would drop everything... including my military career... to take care of you.
Even with my Air National Guard medical training, I felt ill-prepared.
I was not ready.
I did not want to do what I had been called to do.
You were too young.
It was all too soon!
You were always there, even when I never called out to you. Always there in the shadows like a fly on the wall.
Intuitively connected. Energetically shielding me as only a mother can do.
How was I to move on with my life without knowing you were there... physically.
I was not ready for you to die... but you were.
You were tired.
Tired of living with a body that continued to hold illness.
Tired of the lessons this physical world placed before you.
So, you died... and passed the torch to me.
Through me, I would activate what needed to be activated. within our bloodline.
Through me, I would heal it and release the pain.
The first year without you was rough as hell, and the following poems I wrote validate how dark my world had become.
I wrote these poems when I was fighting a serious infection.
My throat was so swollen that it was hard to discern the outline of my jaw.
I was not vocally expressing my pain.
I was emotionally numb.
I was angry.
So, my body manifested these emotions by slowly closing up my throat; making it hard to speak, breathe, drink, eat.
Although, my immune system won the battle, emotionally I was still a wreck.
Bitterly moving through the years, I continued to face one steep mountain after another.
Not wanting to deal with any of it, yet too f____ng vain to check out.
I was attached to this physical world.
It has now been exactly 24 years (to the minute) since you walked the Rainbow Bridge.
I look at your picture, and tears flow because I really miss you.
I light a candle for you and hope you feel its light.
24 years...
When I look in the mirror, it is your face I see. I look so much like you did before you crossed over... only I have a badass pink mohawk. ;)
I am still the child who is living to the beat of her own drum.
Walking the opposite direction of the status quo.
And missing you.
Scotty was about to beam you up... then you exited this physical plane... without a word.
No goodbye.
As a medically trained professional, I was there.
Waiting to call it.
Waiting to announce your departure to the world.
Here I was a 24-year old woman-child... about to check your vitals for the umpteenth time.
Although, we were never close as a mother and daughter "should" be, you knew I would be the one who would be there in the end.
You knew I would drop everything... including my military career... to take care of you.
Even with my Air National Guard medical training, I felt ill-prepared.
I was not ready.
I did not want to do what I had been called to do.
You were too young.
It was all too soon!
You were always there, even when I never called out to you. Always there in the shadows like a fly on the wall.
Intuitively connected. Energetically shielding me as only a mother can do.
How was I to move on with my life without knowing you were there... physically.
I was not ready for you to die... but you were.
You were tired.
Tired of living with a body that continued to hold illness.
Tired of the lessons this physical world placed before you.
So, you died... and passed the torch to me.
Through me, I would activate what needed to be activated. within our bloodline.
Through me, I would heal it and release the pain.
The first year without you was rough as hell, and the following poems I wrote validate how dark my world had become.
Through silent tears
I see my life
A world of desolateness
And darkness
Though I cry for help
My voice goes unheard
People are living
And I am fading away
Friends are no consolation
To my pain
Only a barrier for a world
I long not to face
Death is imminent for
It''s closer than I think
Depression has become
The one friend I never wanted
Look in these eyes
And you will see
A woman who''s failing
In life miserably
Adonya, August 11, 1992
Why must I live in misery
To live with pain and
In captivity
Life can sometimes be
So cruel
With lots of hardships
And stupid rules
Death is the only thing
That's final
It steals your loved one
This I know
Perhaps, it is the
Answer for me
For if I died
Who would miss me?
Adonya, August 11, 1992
I wrote these poems when I was fighting a serious infection.
My throat was so swollen that it was hard to discern the outline of my jaw.
I was not vocally expressing my pain.
I was emotionally numb.
I was angry.
So, my body manifested these emotions by slowly closing up my throat; making it hard to speak, breathe, drink, eat.
Although, my immune system won the battle, emotionally I was still a wreck.
Bitterly moving through the years, I continued to face one steep mountain after another.
Not wanting to deal with any of it, yet too f____ng vain to check out.
I was attached to this physical world.
It has now been exactly 24 years (to the minute) since you walked the Rainbow Bridge.
I look at your picture, and tears flow because I really miss you.
I light a candle for you and hope you feel its light.
24 years...
When I look in the mirror, it is your face I see. I look so much like you did before you crossed over... only I have a badass pink mohawk. ;)
I am still the child who is living to the beat of her own drum.
Walking the opposite direction of the status quo.
And missing you.