When A Marriage Fails
Marriage is not something to be taken lightly, yet it was a path I traveled not once... but twice.
I hold myself completely accountable for the decisions I made regarding this rather serious endeavor.
My first husband (1H) entered my life at a time when I was at my lowest.
Although, he was a nice guy (with issues of his own), we still clicked.
I guess like really does attract like.
We were both party people and heavy smokers and masking our sorrows was something we both did very well.
When my mother died in '92, I felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under me. Although, she and I were not close, I nonetheless felt lost and angry.
I needed to get as far away from California as I could and start anew.
He was conveniently in the military, and I was a veteran struggling to keep afloat in a civilian world.
We had only been dating a couple of months when he told me he was being transferred to Virginia. Naturally, when he and his friends headed to Las Vegas for one last hoorah before reporting to their next duty station, I followed suit.
That weekend in Vegas ended up being a 6-week stint for me... that I may offer more details in a later post. ;)
After my time in Vegas, (well, when my purse had been stolen), I headed to Virginia, and hit another snag in the road.
1H was living in the barracks, and I couldn’t stay there with him. So, the (il)logical choice... was to get married. At least, we would have the housing allowance and dependent pay to sustain our rather unstable relationship.
We were married two days later in front of a Justice of the Peace. There were no friends or family to witness the union. No white dress or rice throwing. Just two lost souls making a f**kin' mistake.
We lived together for only six months before parting ways. However, on paper, we were married for two years.
Perhaps, he held on for the pay. I had not asked for anything when I left; I just wanted out.
Much to my chagrin, I did not learn anything from that experience because 13 years later, I would enter another union I knew was doomed from the start.
My second husband (2H) was a quite the intellect. He was a highly educated man (I love 'em smart) with lots of demons of his own.
Sound familiar?
We met on an online dating site, and our letters to one another were full of (empty) promises. Both of us telling the other what they wanted to hear... however, one of us was telling a ton of lies.
After only one month, he proposed, and I should have said "no".
We did not know each other well enough, and the pit in my gut was unbearable. He even mentioned that his mother would not approve of us being together if we were not engaged.
Red flag... I caved anyway.
The following month, my son and I were heading to Oklahoma where the journey there would prove to be most eventful.
We argued about me not loving him enough.
We argued about people in his life manipulating him into doing things for them and taking him for granted.
When we argued, it was always because of something I was not doing for him.
This would be the song I would hear for almost 2 very long years.
[Hmmm... another 2 years?]
I should have broken off the engagement when he told me that his mother and his two siblings would be living with us (when I got to Oklahoma). (This bomb was dropped while I was on my way there; moving truck and all.)
I should have broken off the engagement after I found two condoms in his workbag.
I should have broken off the engagement after he had logged into my email, without my permission, to look for shit that did not exist.
I should have broken off the engagement after he had read my text messages and accused me of wanting to get back together with my son’s father.
I should have broken off the engagement when he told me that the sibling he had just kicked out of our home... was HIV positive. (Actually, I should have kicked his f**kin' ass for endangering my life and my son's...)
But I did not kick any ass nor did I break off the engagement.
I stayed... with so many red flags... I stayed.
I should have never married him... but I did.
"Why?” you ask.
Wait for it... it was so we could get a discount when we filed Chapter 7.
His debts were so much bigger than mine. I should have just kept them and hit the road.
Oh... my... f**king GAWD!
What was wrong with me?
Why did I enter ANOTHER marriage that was built on quicksand and full of lies?
When I discovered that he was visiting dating sites, I should have filed for divorce.
But I did not.
I was drained on all levels, and I was broken.
THANKFULLY, the angels had not given up on me... because the storm finally broke when he came to me in to talk about divorce.
YEAH!
My passive-aggressive behavior was payin' off!
Instead of me leaving when I had SO many VALID reasons to do so, I waited for him to make the big move!
WOW!
Without hesitation, I said, “okay” and felt a sensation of giddiness.
This was one golden opportunity I was not about to ignore.
We were incompatible intellectually (I am smart, but thought him smarter), sexually (shivers)*, emotionally and more importantly, spiritually.
We had no common ground.
The wall I had been steadily building, since entering this relationship, had become formidable and impenetrable.
I did not want him on the "inside"... in every sense of the word!
Now, I finally had an out.
My strength regained.
My faith in myself restored.
Divorce was in the air... again.
And I was about to be free at last!
When he moved out, I was overjoyed!
My life, once again, forever changed.
I learned a lot about myself in both marriages.
I saw how I was expecting the other person to deal with all of the shit I was unwilling to deal with on my own.
I had placed so much of my emotional baggage on their shoulders that I had become overwhelmed and lost when they returned the favor.
I had relied on them to make me happy when I did not even know what made me happy.
My pain was their pain, but damn it all to hell if they placed their pain on me.
Through them, I got to see all of my unhealed wounds, open scars, and unhealthy projections.
Through them, I got to see where I had been living in a way that was not aligned with the truth of what I knew existed within me... but I was too afraid to see.
Through them, I saw all of the masks, all of the shadows, all of the pain.
Thanks, guys.
I am soooooooo glad our marriages failed. Had they not, I would not be the person I am in love with today.
Thank you both for everything! <3
I look at the tattoo on my left wrist that reads, "Let it go", and I know that is what is best. However, those moments did not feel good; they were more obligatory than pleasurable. Life goes on. #grateful
I hold myself completely accountable for the decisions I made regarding this rather serious endeavor.
My first husband (1H) entered my life at a time when I was at my lowest.
Although, he was a nice guy (with issues of his own), we still clicked.
I guess like really does attract like.
We were both party people and heavy smokers and masking our sorrows was something we both did very well.
When my mother died in '92, I felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under me. Although, she and I were not close, I nonetheless felt lost and angry.
I needed to get as far away from California as I could and start anew.
He was conveniently in the military, and I was a veteran struggling to keep afloat in a civilian world.
We had only been dating a couple of months when he told me he was being transferred to Virginia. Naturally, when he and his friends headed to Las Vegas for one last hoorah before reporting to their next duty station, I followed suit.
That weekend in Vegas ended up being a 6-week stint for me... that I may offer more details in a later post. ;)
After my time in Vegas, (well, when my purse had been stolen), I headed to Virginia, and hit another snag in the road.
1H was living in the barracks, and I couldn’t stay there with him. So, the (il)logical choice... was to get married. At least, we would have the housing allowance and dependent pay to sustain our rather unstable relationship.
We were married two days later in front of a Justice of the Peace. There were no friends or family to witness the union. No white dress or rice throwing. Just two lost souls making a f**kin' mistake.
We lived together for only six months before parting ways. However, on paper, we were married for two years.
Perhaps, he held on for the pay. I had not asked for anything when I left; I just wanted out.
Much to my chagrin, I did not learn anything from that experience because 13 years later, I would enter another union I knew was doomed from the start.
My second husband (2H) was a quite the intellect. He was a highly educated man (I love 'em smart) with lots of demons of his own.
Sound familiar?
We met on an online dating site, and our letters to one another were full of (empty) promises. Both of us telling the other what they wanted to hear... however, one of us was telling a ton of lies.
After only one month, he proposed, and I should have said "no".
We did not know each other well enough, and the pit in my gut was unbearable. He even mentioned that his mother would not approve of us being together if we were not engaged.
Red flag... I caved anyway.
The following month, my son and I were heading to Oklahoma where the journey there would prove to be most eventful.
We argued about me not loving him enough.
We argued about people in his life manipulating him into doing things for them and taking him for granted.
When we argued, it was always because of something I was not doing for him.
This would be the song I would hear for almost 2 very long years.
[Hmmm... another 2 years?]
I should have broken off the engagement when he told me that his mother and his two siblings would be living with us (when I got to Oklahoma). (This bomb was dropped while I was on my way there; moving truck and all.)
I should have broken off the engagement after I found two condoms in his workbag.
I should have broken off the engagement after he had logged into my email, without my permission, to look for shit that did not exist.
I should have broken off the engagement after he had read my text messages and accused me of wanting to get back together with my son’s father.
I should have broken off the engagement when he told me that the sibling he had just kicked out of our home... was HIV positive. (Actually, I should have kicked his f**kin' ass for endangering my life and my son's...)
But I did not kick any ass nor did I break off the engagement.
I stayed... with so many red flags... I stayed.
I should have never married him... but I did.
"Why?” you ask.
Wait for it... it was so we could get a discount when we filed Chapter 7.
His debts were so much bigger than mine. I should have just kept them and hit the road.
Oh... my... f**king GAWD!
What was wrong with me?
Why did I enter ANOTHER marriage that was built on quicksand and full of lies?
WHAT... THE... F**K?!?
When I discovered that he was visiting dating sites, I should have filed for divorce.
But I did not.
I was drained on all levels, and I was broken.
THANKFULLY, the angels had not given up on me... because the storm finally broke when he came to me in to talk about divorce.
YEAH!
My passive-aggressive behavior was payin' off!
Instead of me leaving when I had SO many VALID reasons to do so, I waited for him to make the big move!
WOW!
Without hesitation, I said, “okay” and felt a sensation of giddiness.
This was one golden opportunity I was not about to ignore.
We were incompatible intellectually (I am smart, but thought him smarter), sexually (shivers)*, emotionally and more importantly, spiritually.
We had no common ground.
The wall I had been steadily building, since entering this relationship, had become formidable and impenetrable.
I did not want him on the "inside"... in every sense of the word!
Now, I finally had an out.
My strength regained.
My faith in myself restored.
Divorce was in the air... again.
And I was about to be free at last!
When he moved out, I was overjoyed!
My life, once again, forever changed.
I learned a lot about myself in both marriages.
I saw how I was expecting the other person to deal with all of the shit I was unwilling to deal with on my own.
I had placed so much of my emotional baggage on their shoulders that I had become overwhelmed and lost when they returned the favor.
I had relied on them to make me happy when I did not even know what made me happy.
My pain was their pain, but damn it all to hell if they placed their pain on me.
Through them, I got to see all of my unhealed wounds, open scars, and unhealthy projections.
Through them, I got to see where I had been living in a way that was not aligned with the truth of what I knew existed within me... but I was too afraid to see.
Through them, I saw all of the masks, all of the shadows, all of the pain.
Thanks, guys.
I am soooooooo glad our marriages failed. Had they not, I would not be the person I am in love with today.
Thank you both for everything! <3
I look at the tattoo on my left wrist that reads, "Let it go", and I know that is what is best. However, those moments did not feel good; they were more obligatory than pleasurable. Life goes on. #grateful